For whom is this post?
For colleagues, coaches,
mentors,
supervisors,
business leaders,
and all other human beings who are taking on their shoulders more than they maybe should.
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What kind of expectations do we have for ourselves?
How, or if, are these aligned with the expectations others have of us?
These are questions that frequently come up for me—both personally and professionally. They seem to be a recurring theme in my work with clients (in coaching, mentoring, and supervision) and in my own reflections.
As coaches, do you ever find yourself thinking:
- “I could have done more during that session.”
- “I should have approached the conversation differently.”
- “Did I bring enough value, or did my client expect more impactful insights?”
Many of the clients I’ve been working with recently come with concerns like procrastination, lack of motivation, or a constant thought of, “I should have done more.”
Yet, I see them as brilliant, dedicated, and caring individuals always trying to do their best.
What can we do about this?
Below, I’m sharing a few approaches that have proven helpful for me and my clients in past.
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Stakeholder Mapping
Let’s take a systemic view.
Imagine painting a picture—are we really alone in this image?
Who is present in our lives, and what roles do they play?
How much clarity do we have about their expectations?
For clients, this often arises in business settings, with colleagues or challenges of working in teams.
For us, as coaches, mentors, and supervisors, there are terms that come to mind when talking about this topic: compassion fatigue, countertransference, parallel processes… And I also feel a need to write about them in the future.
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Are we, too, “swimming in the soup”?
Another exercise I frequently recommend between sessions, especially when clients share that they are feeling overwhelmed with ‘so many things to do and achieve, is something I discovered years ago on the SessionLab resource library (if you’re unfamiliar with this platform—and its amazing community—I highly recommend it). The technique is called Circles of Influence and the Soup and involves drawing three circles:
- Circle of Control: What activities do I have direct influence over?
- Circle of Influence: What activities require allies? Who could those allies be?
- The Soup: What is simply beyond my control?
When you pause, take the time to do this exercise, you’ll often realize there’s plenty to focus on in the first two circles, leaving the third one less overwhelming.
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Whose are these expectations which are causing me stress?
Maybe this is the most important question in this article, at least for me:
Whose are these expectations? Are they mine, are they intended only for me? Or maybe… not?
Checking Assumptions
How often do you pause, even for a few minutes, to ask yourself:
- “Is this something I really need to do, or is it just an assumption?”
- “Is the information I’m relying on a fact?”
Asking for Feedback
In coaching sessions, when clients feel overwhelmed, I notice that expectations from higher levels are often poorly communicated. Moreover, many clients struggle to ask for clarity or assertively request more information.
Similarly, most of them being leaders of teams at the same time, they frequently face challenges in delegation—not just dividing tasks, but inspiring team members to sign up for opportunities that excite them and help them grow.
Many of our coaching conversations involve shifting from:
“I have to do all of this myself, and immediately,”
to:
“There are people who would love to be involved and take something off my plate.” Or,
“If I don’t finish this by tomorrow morning, the world isn’t going to collapse.”
I’ve been there.
As a Training Manager in the corporate world, my to-do lists were enormous—lists I created by myself. They still are sometimes. Gathering ideas, tasks, and activities that could bring value is inspiring and motivating. But then, I look at the number of items on that list, and it really does feel overwhelming.
During 2024, I learned to ask myself an additional question:
What is a must-have, and what is a nice-to-have?
Supervision training and different coaching books also made me reflect on the importance of “resourcing yourself to be able to resource others.”
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The Role of Quality Contracting in Coaching
In coaching, overcoming this weight of expectations often begins with quality contracting. Establishing clear agreements with clients about goals, boundaries, and outcomes at the very start of the coaching relationship can help reduce the risk of misaligned expectations—for both coach and client. This ensures a shared understanding and lays the foundation for meaningful progress.
I don’t have a grand conclusion here, just two quotes that resonate deeply as I close this article:
“How can we make time work for us and not against us?” – Peter Hawkins
“How can you be an inspiration to yourself?” – ICF LinkedIn Post
